I don't think my financial circumstances have ever been worse. Yet, there's so much potential shining at the end of the tunnel. It's just so bleak right now, that I'm not sure how I'll get to the end of the tunnel.

I filed tax returns on April 15th - in the morning - not at midnight lined up in front of the post office. I filed Zach's and realized that I have to redo the ones I did for him in 04-06, because I did it wrong and cheated him out of a lot of money. I also have to do my own for 05 and 06, so I'll be ready to file for bankruptcy. Eventually, I have to do 01 - 04, but not sure I can do them without professional help. Got time, since I don't know where the money for filing will come from. Ironically, it could come from George's kickback check, if the feds don't red flag it and keep it. If I got the returns done correctly and if they don't red flat and keep it, then I'll have enough for back property tax and a lawyer. I must have done it wrong.

My desk was delivered and Tom's bed brought back to the condo, which is where I am right now. I'm using his computer whenever I can get over here, because I realized that it was the loss of my computer that has destroyed me financially. I can't produce enough work on the dinosaur that I'm using right now. Tuesday evening, on Tom's computer, I did work that would have taken me a 3 day weekend to complete. I should have thought of this long ago and I would not be in this position where every utility is about to shut off, I can't put money in my bank acct if I want it to actually be paid out for my insurance (I'm in the red because the check I wrote for the Farmer's Market jury was held for 2 weeks and I forgot about it - ironic).

I got into the Farmer's Market. The first Lincoln City show is a month away and then I start the Market in June. Willowbrook starts at the end of June. Busy summer, but if it means income, I can stand it. My focus now has to be on my studio - I have to get into it, start chucking stuff into the trash, hauling things upstairs, until I have workspace in there - a tabletop, chair, buckets, tools on hand and access to materials. I think it can be a work in progress as I weave. I'll allow it to reorganize as I work. I have to stop this obsessive compulsive need to make everything perfect before I"ll allow it to work for me. Getting that space to be perfect is so complicated.

I'm supposed to have my porch painted by June 15th. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I have a huge stack of vintage knotty pine paneling on the benches and no where to move it. It's for finishing my studio and a little of it is for the hall bathroom remodel. I'm not going to have time to do any of that work until August, but I have to move the damn paneling somewhere where it won't be in the way of my work in the studio. sigh.... it was so much work getting it onto the porch. Might have to settle for tarps in the back yard ...

awww gawd, the back yard. I could start at one corner and work my way across, raking the ground, pulling ivy, cutting off limbs, branches, vines, removing dead trees, unwanted bushes, mending the fences and gates and I'll never get done this summer. I want to do it, and it will be beautiful eventually, but it's so frustrating when I just can't spare the time. Yet, I have to get started this year, because the canopy from the trees on the edge of the lot have almost reached my roof - arching completely over my little yard. I'll get pictures posted soon.

I was ready to paint my living room until I realized that I just don't have the time yet. So it sits there stripped down, almost ready - with most of the carpet ripped up and furniture removed to other rooms - awkwardly. I'm not giving up. I finally have a plan that is perfect and all the materials collected. I have the paint I bought 4 years ago, the almost new carpet from Freecycle, some ceramic tile I'm going to use to build a border around the edge of the carpet and tiles for the windowsills because the dogs just scratch up the paint. Their toes skitter across the sample tiles I placed across one of the windowsills and I don't think they like to climb up on it.

I'm frustrated with the dogs, because I just don't have time for them right now. Poor dogs. they deserve better. I need the walking and so do they and I have to work that out in my head. I've got to lose weight. My boyfriend has nearly died from starvation , but he's not only going to survive, I think that his testosterone is building back up (he had measured out at 0 levels). We were watching TV a few nights ago and I felt this hormonal rush that has eluded me for several years, probably because there were just no pheromones coming from him. Now, I'm fatter than ever and look like hell. I need to rescue myself from poverty, obesity and the possibility of losing the man I love. I'm lucky that he loves me back, but he deserves better - we both do.